Fifty shades of what?
I know it’s Father’s Day and I should, at this point, offer a moving blog about the meaning of fatherhood, and the significant men in my life. But I’m not really in the mood for that, so all I’m going to say on the subject is cheers, fellas. Keep up the good work.
Now, it’s onto what I really want to talk about, which is Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve read it and I don’t get it. Well, I do – it’s [SPOILER ALERT, READ NO FURTHER IF YOU PLAN ON READING SAID TOME] your typical virgin-meets-billionaire-who-tries-to-lure-her-into -a-BDSM*-relationship-then-they-have-lots-of-sex-and-break-up novel. A classic of the genre.
What I don’t get is why everyone is all excited about the sex. Maybe it’s just me, but I found it a bit meh. One chapter, at least, was just taken up by a contract. I’ve never found contracts sexy. I sometimes don’t read the fine print, and end up paying over the odds. But perhaps I should be grateful that Vodaphone, for example, never includes small print about bum sex in theirs. That could be awkward.
I also found the fact that the heroine, Anna, keeps saying ‘holy shit’ or ‘holy crap’ in a wide-eyed breathless way a bit of a turn off. I just don’t think ‘shit’ and ‘crap’ are words that should be uttered in a sexual context. I get that it’s because the British author of the book wants her to sound American, but still. No.
I also felt a bit sorry for her – her first ever sexual relationship and it’s with someone who wants to beat her up and apply nipple clamps. That hardly ever happens in real life.
Of course, this isn’t real life, and we all dream of a devastatingly handsome billionaire becoming obsessed with us. Actually, I don’t, I dream of a Roman Centurion whisking me off to show me his standard – but we won’t go into that now. Or the Mediaeval baron who – no! You don’t need to know that either.
But, despite being reasonably in touch with my inner perve, I was still a bit embarrassed reading it on the Tube. I was convinced I had a massive arrow pointing down over my head with a caption that read THIS WOMAN IS READING PORN. BURN THE WITCH. By the time I reached my station (and no, it wasn’t Cockfosters) I was reading with my Kindle about 2 inches from my face, so nobody could see over my shoulder. Hell, maybe I’m just really uptight? Oh no….
This is just my opinion, and I didn’t really get Twilight either (I understand the Fifty Shades novels started life as Twilight fan fiction,and there are some similarities – I was a bit disappointed that Christian Grey isn’t all twinkly though). My feminist side just doesn’t really get on board with men trying to sexually control virgins, no matter how hot they all are. I’ve tried to ignore my inner feminist but she’s quite hard to subdue. Particularly when she’s arguing with my subconscious.
I don’t want to be all ‘bah humbug’ though, and loads of my friends are loving these books. Some may well even be pregnant as a result of them. Am I just missing something? As mentioned, this isn’t the first time I’ve been left bewildered as everyone else raves about something I just don’t get at all. Here are a few more:
- Brad Pitt. I’ve never found him attractive (it’s why he’s with Ange. He’s trying to make me jealous. It’s not working). I’ve always thought there was something of the Mr Potato Head about him.
- Mad Men. I watched the first episode, and all I really got from it was a major craving for a cigarette. I gave up smoking 6 years ago.
- Adele. She has a great voice, sure, but 21 just sounds (to me) like she’s trying to be Amy Winehouse – only she doesn’t have Amy’s heartbreaking vulnerability and intensity.
- The Shawshank Redemption. Has no redeeming features as far as I’m concerned. It’s just silly.
- Anything with Tom Hanks in it, apart from Big and Splash. His career peaked in the mid ’80s, in my world.
- Fancy cars. I’m the opposite of a petrol-head. I wouldn’t be embarrassed driving a Robin Reliant. In fact, it would probably be quite fun.
What about you? Are you a fan of Fifty Shades? Have there been any major trends that you’re just ‘urgh, no’ about? Do share!
*Stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Everybody’s at it, you know. Probably even you.
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